In our sqrt(-1)th issue:
After technology advocates pushed back against a court order filed against King.Com Ltd for cheat codes that would allow President Obama to bypass Level 125 of Candy Crush Saga, the White House is seeking assistance from the Israeli technology firm Cellebrite to backdoor the viral game. "Licorice swirls and layered meringues cannot stand, should not, will not stand in the way of progress," Obama said in the Rose Garden.
In the wake of the U.S. State Department's agreement to renegotiate some of the more controversial terms of the Wassenaar agreement on export controls, EFF is urging a strong stance against general computing devices. "Computers have had a good run, but it's time we stop trying to pretend that they have any positive value," said EFF attorney Nate Cardozo, looking up from the plow with which he had just completed an honest day's work.
Internet pirates convened an emergency meeting on IRC this week after realizing that their rampant piracy was failing to destroy western culture. Pointing to a chart of ever-increasing revenues for entertainment conglomerates, Captain copyB33RD bemoaned, "Thar be sales here!" Younger pirates have for years been telling established captains that filesharing tends to boost the revenues of quality media and that people are happy to support creators financially, even without being forced to by the global network of surveillance and censorship necessary to enforce copyrights online. To destroy western culture, they say, pirates should simply embrace the playbook of the big studios and let endless sequels and rehashing of offensive plotlines do their work for them.
Following criticism from Congress that the Intelligence Community is playing wordgames in response to official inquiries, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper has agreed to convene a classified hearing to decide once and for all whether the secret court created Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act should be called FISC or FISA Court. "The session will be closed to the public," Clapper announced in a press conference, "but one thing I can say is that we are unified in our belief that The Guardian should stop spelling it Fisa."
In an effort to stem the flood of tweets from EFF supporters, T-Mobile CEO John Legere has filed a trademark application for the infamous question he posed on in a live chat: "Who the F*** is EFF?" EFF has filed a formal opposition to the registration, and the Economic Freedom Fighters in South Africa and the European Fisheries Fund are expected to join our comments.
EFF's popular browser extension Privacy Badger will be introducing a new "Acceptable Ads" policy. Effective immediately any advertisement which contains images of badgers will not be blocked by default. Furthermore, any Badger related web pages will be allowed to display advertisements. Although some aspects of this plan may be controversial, we feel that it is an important step toward increasing badger visibility on the Internet.
Oral arguments at the Supreme Court turned ugly today when Apple revealed that a majority of Justices have committed themselves to rule in favor of Apple in all cases. The unwitting Justices ran afoul of a little-known provision of Apple's End User License Agreement, which has now placed the company (AAPL +204%) effectively in charge of the judicial branch of the United States government. At today's hearing, Justice Kagan smugly chided her colleagues for not choosing Android, apparently unaware of her own agreement to a similar provision favoring Google (GOOG +19%).
A New Tool To Fight Cyber-Pathogens
Cyber-researchers with the CCDC (Cyber-Center for Disease Control) have announced the creation of new cyber-vaccines which they hope will assist in the cyber-war on deadly cyber-pathogens. Cyber-researchers have so far declined to comment of the cyber-side-effects of the cyber-vaccine.
Department of Justice Licenses "Vantablack" Pigment
The U.S. Department of Justice has obtained an exclusive license to the use of “Vantablack,” a recently developed substance made of light-absorbing carbon nanotubes and believed to be the world's blackest material. In a statement, the Department said it intends to use the material for Freedom of Information Act redactions.
World Wildlife Fund Moves Warrant Canaries to Endangered Species List
In a setback to successful captive breeding programs underway since 2013, the Warrant Canary has been moved to the endangered species list. A WWF spokesman, reached for comment, said “I've been advised not to say anything about this matter.”
FCC Fines Verizon Over Supercookies; Enjoins Company to Provide Supermilk
On Monday, the telecom company protested the agency's actions, saying that it was inevitable that the FCC would then ask for a superstraw, a supernapkin, and a supermirror to check for a supermilk supermustache.
Marlowe and Buster, Digiterriers
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