Dating is risky. Aside from the typical worries of possible rejection or lack of romantic chemistry, LGBTQIA people often have added safety considerations to keep in mind. Sometimes staying in the proverbial closet is a matter of personal security. Even if someone is open with their community about being LGBTQ+, they can be harmed by oppressive governments, bigoted law enforcement, and individuals with hateful beliefs. So here’s some advice for staying safe while online dating as an LGBTQIA+ person:
Step One: Threat Modeling
The first step is making a personal digital security plan. You should start with looking at your own security situation from a high level. This is often called threat modeling and risk assessment. Simply put, this is taking inventory of the things you want to protect and what adversaries or risks you might be facing. In the context of online dating, your protected assets might include details about your sexuality, gender identity, contacts of friends and family, HIV status, political affiliation, etc.
Let's say that you want to join a dating app, chat over the app, exchange pictures, meet someone safely, and avoid stalking and harassment. Threat modeling is how you assess what you want to protect and from whom.
We touch in this post on a few considerations for people in countries where homosexuality is criminalized, which may include targeted harassment by law enforcement. But this guide is by no means comprehensive. Refer to materials by LGBTQ+ organizations in those countries for specific tips on your threat model.
Securely Setting Up Dating Profiles
When making a new dating account, make sure to use a unique email address to register. Often you will need to verify the registration process through that email account, so it’s likely you’ll need to provide a legitimate address. Consider creating an email address strictly for that dating app. Oftentimes there are ways to discover if an email address is associated with an account on a given platform, so using a unique one can prevent others from potentially knowing you’re on that app. Alternatively, you might use a disposable temporary email address service. But if you do so, keep in mind that you won’t be able to access it in the future, such as if you need to recover a locked account.
The same logic applies to using phone numbers when registering for a new dating account. Consider using a temporary or disposable phone number. While this can be more difficult than using your regular phone number, there are plenty of free and paid virtual telephone services available that offer secondary phone numbers. For example, Google Voice is a service that offers a secondary phone number attached to your normal one, registered through a Google account. If your higher security priority is to abstain from giving data to a privacy-invasive company like Google, a “burner” pay-as-you-go phone service like Mint Mobile is worth checking out.
When choosing profile photos, be mindful of images that might accidentally give away your location or identity. Even the smallest clues in an image can expose its location. Some people use pictures with relatively empty backgrounds, or taken in places they don’t go to regularly.
Make sure to check out the privacy and security sections in your profile settings menu. You can usually configure how others can find you, whether you’re visible to others, whether location services are on (that is, when an app is able to track your location through your phone), and more. Turn off anything that gives away your location or other information, and later you can selectively decide which features to reactivate, if any. More mobile phone privacy information can be found on this Surveillance Self Defense guide.
Communicating via Phone, Email, or In-App Messaging
Generally speaking, using an end-to-end encrypted messaging service is the best way to go for secure texting. For some options like Signal, or Whatsapp, you may be able to use a secondary phone number to keep your “real” phone number private.
For phone calls, you may want to use a virtual phone service that allows you to screen calls, use secondary phone numbers, block numbers, and more. These aren’t always free, but research can bring up “freemium” versions that give you free access to limited features.
Be wary of messaging features within apps that offer deletion options or disappearing messages, like Snapchat. Many images and messages sent through these apps are never truly deleted, and may still exist on the company’s servers. And even if you send someone a message that self-deletes or notifies you if they take a screenshot, that person can still take a picture of it with another device, bypassing any notifications. Also, Snapchat has a map feature that shows live public posts around the world as they go up. With diligence, someone could determine your location by tracing any public posts you make through this feature.
If the person you’re chatting with has earned a bit of your trust and you want to share pictures with them, consider not just what they can see about you in the image itself, as described above, but also what they can learn about you by examining data embedded in the file.
EXIF metadata lives inside an image file and describes the geolocation it was taken, the device it was made with, the date, and more. Although some apps have gotten better at automatically withholding EXIF data from uploaded images, you still should manually remove it from any images you share with others, especially if you send them directly over phone messaging.
One quick way is to send the image to yourself on Signal messenger, which automatically strips EXIF data. When you search for your own name in contacts, a feature will come up with “Note to Self” where you have a chat screen to send things to yourself:
For some people, it might be valuable to use a watermarking app to add your username or some kind of signature to images. This can verify who you are to others and prevent anyone from using your images to impersonate you. There are many free and mostly-free options in iPhone and Android app stores. Consider a lightweight version that allows you to easily place text on an image and lets you screenshot the result. Keep in mind that watermarking a picture is a quick way to identify yourself, which in itself is a trade-off.
Much of what we’ve already gone over will step up your security when it comes to sexting, but here are some extra precautions:
Seek clearly communicated consent between you and romantic partners about how intimate pictures can be shared or saved. This is great non-technical security at work. If anyone else is in an image you want to share, make sure you have their consent as well. Also, be thoughtful as to whether or not to include your face in any images you share.
As we mentioned above, your location can be determined by public posts you make and Snapchat’s map application.
For video chatting with a partner, consider a service like Jitsi that allows temporary rooms, no registration, and is designed with privacy in mind. Many services are not built with privacy in mind, and require account registration, for example.
Meeting Someone AFK
Say you’ve taken all the above precautions, someone online has gained your trust, and you want to meet them away-from-keyboard and in real life. Always meet first somewhere public and occupied with other people. Even better, meet in an area more likely to be accepting of LGBTQIA+ people. Tell a friend beforehand all the details about where you’re going, who you are meeting, and a given time that you promise to check back in with them that you’re ok.
If you’re living in one of the 69 countries where homosexuality is illegal and criminalized, make sure to check in with local advocacy groups about your area. Knowing your rights as a citizen will help keep you safe if you’re stopped by law enforcement.
Privacy and Security is a Group Effort
Although the world is often hostile to non-normative expressions of love and identity, your personal security, online and off, is much better supported when you include the help of others that you trust. Keeping each other safe, accountable, and cared for gets easier when you have more people involved. A network is always stronger when every node on it is fortified against potential threats.
Happy Pride Month—keep each other safe.